Emmett vs The Bike
by MonkeyMojo
Summary: Bella decides she wants to try out biking with the family. Emmett comes face to tire with a cousin of his old foe.
1. Do I Even Want To Know?

**I don't own the rights to Twilight...**

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"So, what would you like to do today, Bella?" Edward asked me with a smile.

"I don't know, Edward. Anything is fine with me. Why don't you pick something?" I replied. We had just finished hunting and were on our way home.

"No, it's your turn, remember? Yesterday was Alice, today it's you." he said.

"I know, I just don't think I would have any good ideas. You pick." Usually we took turns thinking of things to do, if no one had already made plans.

"Well, I suppose we could just do what we did yesterday-" Edward began.

"No!" I yelled. Alice had picked teaching me to text message without breaking the phone with my strength. It was fun until Jasper broke his phone. Emmett got some misdirected anger and threw the phone at Edward. So Edward threw Emmett's X-Box out the window.

Esme was fixing the window now, still quite angry at all of the boys.

"You're right… That did not end well." he said. "But there must be something you want to do."

"Well…" I hesitated. I wasn't sure if he would think it was a good idea or not, but I had seen an interesting shop on our way home a few days ago.

"Yes?"

"Well a few days ago I saw this shop that sold bikes and that got me thinking that maybe it would be fun to try it out?"

He frowned. "I thought that was a… Jacob thing?"

"Oh, no, I meant bicycles. Normal, push the pedal bicycles. No motors. Not nearly as fast… Maybe it's a bad idea…" I trailed off. I hadn't wanted to upset him. "I just thought it might be… peaceful."

"No, no. It sounds like fun… I think. I've never ridden one before." he said.

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Never?" I asked. He looked uncomfortable for a moment.

"Well… Once Emmett dragged Jasper and I to the gym, to see 'All the weird little human toys' as he put it. Emmett got on one of the bicycle things that don't move and tried to use it. It did not end well."

"What happened?" I asked, although I could imagine several things that could have happened. Emmett in a room full of that many heavy objects… The thought alone scared me.

"Well. The window was never the same. Neither was the bike. Actually the entire gym was covered in… Well… Let's just say, it was a very good thing there was no one there. It pretty much ruined any interest we had in bicycles."

"I'll just try to think of something different." I said. We had reached the house, and Alice was coming towards us with a scary smile on her face.

"Biking is a great idea, Bella! This will be fun…" she laughed.

Edward looked at me with a smile on his face. "Yes… This will be interesting."

I frowned. "Alice, what did you see? Is it horrible? Usually that smile means something horrible for the person you saw…"

She just smiled more. "Don't worry! You will be in hysterics. Actually, everyone will be. Everyone but Emmett…" More of that evil smile. It was starting to scare me.

Edward pulled me to him. "Don't worry, love. It's hilarious."

"But you won't tell me?" I asked them.

"Nope. Now let's go get those bikes!" Alice said.


	2. We Meet Again

"I still can't believe they only had two bikes." Alice pouted. "Now only two of us can go at a time. And they're not even put together!"

"Well, I still can't believe you didn't see this coming, what with the whole 'I see the future' thing..." Edward muttered, trying to bolt two pieces together that didn't look like they should be anywhere near each other.

She just stuck her tongue out at him and continued trying to put one of the bikes together. Hers was almost done, while Edward's was looking like one of those 'abstract' pieces of art that people weld together and stick in their enemy's lawns to annoy them. I was watching from the side, both of them claiming not to need any help.

"Where is everyone? I know we don't have enough bikes, but I think Edward could use any help he can get…"

"I do not need help! I am perfectly capable of- oops." He looked down at his hand and up at me. Then stuck whatever was in his hand in his pocket and quickly went back to work, trying to look innocent.

"Edward…What was that?" I asked suspiciously, walking over to him.

"Nothing." He said nervously. Then he saw the look I gave him and said, "Well… Nothing important."

"Uh-huh. You are riding that bike first." His eyes widened in horror at that.

"I'm going to go see if Rosalie has any extra parts in the garage…" He said, quickly running off.

I looked down at the abused bicycle parts and glanced at the directions, which Edward had ignored_. That doesn't look too hard._ I thought, grabbing a wrench. By the time Edward returned Alice and I had both bikes done.

"Hey!" He said. "What happened to the bike?"

"I saved it from you." I said. "And luckily for you, I don't think whatever you broke was important, because it looks fine."

"Oh. Well good… because Rose doesn't have any others." He said. He still looked nervous, though.

"What exactly was it that you broke?" I asked.

"Um…It was a round metal part. Which wouldn't be broken if you hadn't distracted me with your lack of faith." He said.

"What?! Don't you blame this on me! It is your fault you broke it, you were the one holding it! And I only had a lack of faith because you couldn't put together a bike if your life depended on it!" I was getting mad. How was this my fault?

"Really, Edward, 'round metal thing'? _Everything_ is round and metal!" Alice said at the same time.

Jasper walked out of the house looking confused and sending out calm feelings towards us. "What's all the shouting about- Oh, no. Not those! Anything but those! Edward! Are you insane? How could you let them buy those after..." he looked around and whispered, "_The incident_?"

"Relax, Jasper. These are alright. See? They are actually _supposed_ to move." Edward said.

"Oh yes, that makes _everything_ better!" Jasper replied sarcastically. He sighed. "Just please, please, don't let Emmett-"

"Hey! What's everybody doing?" Emmett yelled as he came over to us.

"Oh no…" Jasper said. I felt a wave of fear come over me. Apparently so did Alice because she told him to calm down. "Quit being such a baby! It's just a bike."

Emmett had reached us and stopped when he saw the bikes. He narrowed his eyes and said, "So, we meet again…"

"Emmett, what are you talking about? You have never even seen these before. You had an encounter with a stationary bike. Not a real one. No need to get worked up. No need to do anything… drastic." Edward said nervously.

"It may not be the exact one, but it is still one of…_them_! I will conquer you!" He shouted, and proceeded to lift the bike up and get on. Or try to. He got his leg over and sat down on the seat. Which was when the entire bike gave out and he fell to the ground.

"Well, now we know what the round metal piece did." I said.


	3. How Hard Could It Be?

Emmett got up off the ground and stared down at the mangled bits and pieces of what used to be a bike. "Ha! I have beaten you! Fear the power of Emmett the Conqueror of Demon Bikes!" He yelled, then gathered up the remains and crumpled them into a ball.

Our laughter from watching Emmett fall on his rear end died down, and we were all gathered into a group watching in horror.

"Emmett, I think you need to calm down." Edward said. "That bike didn't do anything to you."

"Didn't do anything? _Didn't do anything_? You were there when that evil, demon-possessed thing attacked me! Don't tell me it didn't do anything!" He yelled. He looked at Edward, then at the crumpled ball of metal debris in his hands, and back at Edward. He had a crazy glint in his eye.

"Don't you dare." Edward said, backing away.

Emmett threw the ball of metal at Edward. Edward ducked and the ball hit the trees behind him, leaving a trail of demolition in its path.

"You're cleaning that up." Edward said. Emmett just stuck his tongue out.

"Oh, yeah, that's _real_ mature." Edward said, rolling his eyes.

"Emmett, do you even know how to ride a bike?" I asked.

"Um… Well, no. But it can't be that hard." He replied.

"Ha!" Jasper exclaimed. "I bet you fall off and break it just like the last one."

"I'll take that bet! But what do I get if I win?" He asked.

Alice smiled. "You get to go back to the gym."

Emmett jumped up and down in glee. "Yay, I'll be able to defeat my real nemesis. Not just posers like that ball of trash! But wait, when do you expect me to ride? I just chucked the bike at Edward."

"We got two." I replied, stepping aside. We had all formed a line in front of the other bike, hoping he wouldn't see it and go crazy on it. He narrowed his eyes and growled.

"Wait, Emmett!" Jasper said. "How do you expect to win your bet if you kill this bike? Oh, and before I forget, if I win, you have to donate all of your games to homeless people."

'What?! But – but – homeless people don't have TV's to play them on!" Emmett cried desperately.

"I know. That just adds to the irony of it." Jasper said mysteriously. Eerie music played. Thunder crashed. Alice coughed.

"Okay…" I said. "Anyway… Who wants to go first?"

"ME!" Emmett yelled. We all backed away.

"Um… Okay. Well, just get on, like before. Don't put too much pressure on the pedals… You get the idea."

"Yeah, yeah, just let me at it." He said. He walked over to it and growled. Then he poked it.

"Just get on already!" Alice said.

"Fine!" He said. He put his leg over and sat down gently. It didn't fall. He took the handles in his hands and put both his feet on the pedals. And fell down sideways.

We all cracked up.

"Yeah, laugh at the one who falls down. Just wait until your turn. We'll see who is laughing then!" He frowned and said. "What did I do wrong?"

I calmed down enough to say, "You need to keep one foot on the ground until you push off. Oh, and-"

I didn't get to finish because he took off. I frowned. _Of course_, I thought. _Vampires don't have balance problems apparently. _But then I smiled. _That means I don't either!_

Then Alice laughed.

"What is it?" I asked.

"You forgot to tell him how to stop."

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The End... Did you like it? Yes? No? Does anyone else think the mental image of Emmett jumping with glee is weird?

This was way longer than I had intended. That's what happens when you wake up at four in the morning thinking, 'Hey, that would be a funny little one shot.' Then you type it out and it ends up being actual story length. But I got a review. My very first review. That made my day...

Peace out,

--Mojo


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